The rules of grieving

Theres a beautiful new purple Bearded Iris blooming in our garden.  A fresh splash of colour amongst the greenery.  It has had to fight it’s way through the other plants, but the job is done and it is making a good show on its own.

I’m guessing that there’s a message in that.  It is standing out from the crowd, not afraid to be what it is meant to be.  It didn’t wait for the others before it bloomed, in fact I’m not even sure there are any others to come.

All too often we stop and wait for the others, as we are too fearful of making a stance on our own.  Worried about what people might think about us if we stand up for a cause or something we believe in.  Rather we can stifle that urge, because nobody else is doing what we want to do, or perhaps they are doing it well and we think we couldn’t be as good.  Or maybe it is not the accepted ‘norm’.

Grieving is a little like that.

I recall being asked a few months after Kelly died, if I was ‘over it yet?’  I was so shocked I just stared, couldn’t find an answer.  By the time I was able to get some thoughts together, that person said ‘I suppose that was a silly thing to say!’

Sure was.

I didn’t just lose something of little value, that I could ‘get over’ in a few months.  Some take years to manage everyday life without getting teary at any mention of a lost loved one.  Others seem to cope reasonably in a fairly ‘normal’ fashion after only a few months.  It really doesn’t matter much.  There are no rules around grief, it is whatever and whenever and pertains specifically to you.  Just because I can talk about Kelly without crying anymore — doesn’t mean I’m not on the inside, I’m just getting better at masking my feelings.

So we go about our lives judging ourselves by others standards, when really we need to look to ourselves to set our own.  There aren’t any rules to follow, it’s not like making a cake and following a recipe, particularly when it pertains to grieving.

We each do it in our own way

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