Should

A fairly innocuous little word with a wealth of meaning behind it.  I hear it a lot, and I’m guilty of saying it plenty myself.  But what does it really mean?  Is it just a word we use without thinking much about it — a habit we’ve added to our lists that is one of those words used unconsciously?

Recently it was pointed out to me that the word ‘Should’ means resentment, and when I stop to think about it, that makes sense.

I should do the dishes — I know at some point I have to but I don’t really want to.  Or I should pay  ‘X’ bill  but that means I have to find the account, open up the computer and log on to my bank.  Then there will be other things I need to look at there and I really can’t be bothered at the moment!

Sound familiar ?  Another one — I should go for a walk, but I’ve got the dishes to do and the bills to pay and they are way more important than exercise.  Oops it getting late now and I can’t go for a walk on my own in the dark etc, etc.

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I’ve just realised that I haven’t done half the things I ‘should’ have done in the past five and half weeks whilst I wait to have my next CT scan.  Then when I have that this week, I have to wait another week to find out the results and ultimately my fate. person wearing round silver colored analog watch

I’ve noticed that lately I’m beginning to really resent all the things I should do whilst I hover in limbo waiting.  Asking lots of question — mainly inside my head — will I just be put on a ‘watch and see’ treatment, or will I have to go off to have that chat with the surgeon.  Meanwhile I’m making some attempt to be ‘good’ just in case the news isn’t favourable.  And whilst I’m not exactly sitting around waiting for the verdict, I haven’t really been living my life the way I’d like to.

In short I’m feeling resentful and annoyed — but it does feel much better now that I’ve vented.  Really I haven’t got a lot to complain about when everything is taken into account.  I did make the decision several years ago — after Kelly’s death — that I wouldn’t go down the rabbit hole of guilt and blame.  That I wouldn’t entertain any ideas about what I ‘should’ have done.  It’s done and I can’t go back and change any of it now.   It’s futile revisiting that time telling myself that the decisions I made with the knowledge I had should have been different.

I think I’ll just go and  have another cup of coffee whilst I ponder where I’ve misplaced my crystal ball.

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Letting Go

I used to think that if you let something go it was gone forever.  Like letting go the hand of a person in raging floodwaters — if you did, they’d be gone forever — most likely.
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Various  incidents over the years had given me confirmation of that — like when we let Kelly go her own way in the months leading up to her suicide.  At the time I didn’t see that there was any other option.  So I (we) let her go.  We still kept tabs on her, knew a lot about what was happening with her — on the surface, but essentially we’d let her go.  Then she came back and we started to think that all was well, that we’d done the right thing in letting her go.

And then she suicided.  We lost her completely.  Never to return and there was absolutely nothing we could do about it.  So there was confirmation, that when you let something go  — you lose it.

But my thinking has changed gradually over the years.  I’m now realising that the old poem about loving something and setting it free, then if it comes back it was meant to be —or thereabouts  — was probably right.

I’ve come to see that my children — for instance — are not mine forever.  I don’t have to keep tabs on them all the time, or make them feel guilty for not keeping in touch.  If they choose to be in contact with me however, that’s a wonderful bonus.  But if they don’t, then they can live their lives as they want to and thats it.

I remember visiting my parents and grumbling to myself all the way there, wishing myself anywhere else, but feeling the obligation that was instilled in me.

I see that it really was my choice to let go or not.  I may not have done it any differently, but knowing that I had that choice may have made the visit feel better.

Like cleaning out a cupboard and dispensing with stuff I haven’t used for years, I’m learning to let go.

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And it feels awesome.

Reprieve or Awakening

Two weeks ago I made my visit to the Specialist to find out my fate.  I’d had my biopsy — and what a fun time that was!   I’d managed the subsequent collapsed lung okay, although it still gave me some trouble at times.  So Ross and I presented ourselves to find out the result of the biopsy.  I was more than a little anxious and I’m sure he was too, although we pretended really well that whatever the outcome we’d be okay with it.  hammer-sledgehammer-mallet-tool.jpg

The doctor called us in to his room saying:  “Well I don’t have any bad news for you !” Interesting choice of words I thought — why not say its good news?  Anyway he is not prepared to concede it is good news, but it is not all bad.  So I guess I have to run with that.  I’m not completely off the hook just because the specimens they took don’t show any cancer.  So now the waiting resumes, as I’m to repeat the CT in a few weeks time and then ‘they’ will decide what to do then.  If the tumour has grown then I’m off to have a chat with the surgeon.  But at least he did concede that it appeared to be a little smaller when they did the biopsy.  Happy days!

From the outset I have chosen to go with the flow, accepting that it is what it is.  However I have discovered quite a lot about myself over the past few weeks — months really if I count getting asthma too.  I’ve learnt that some of the people around me see  that I’m actually worth loving.  And I’ve certainly had plenty of that.  It most certainly  was there all the time but in my feelings of unworthiness I couldn’t really see or feel it.  I do now.

I also have found amazing support in my doctor — my GP; my naturopath, my pranic healer and of course in my own ability to take care of myself.   I’ve also had lots of time to reflect on my situation — not all of it positive — but the negative aspects have to be dealt with before you can see the better side of life.

Undoubtedly the biggest revelation has been that I don’t have to do everything myself. That it’s alright to ask for help or assistance — no-one is going to suggest I should manage every little thing because it is my life.  Thats what friends are for.

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I’ve also realised that I don’t have to take the blame for all of the major disasters in my life.  Yes, there have been some very shitty things happen but I’m not the one responsible for all of them.  Kelly chose to take her own life and whilst that is a tragedy, there has been much to learn from it.  Maybe if i’d known then what I know now I could have done more to stop it.  But then again maybe not.

I will never know, and I don’t think I really want to.  Really I’ve had rather an amazing life and I’m anticipating a lot more of it with gratitude.pexels-photo-208165.jpeg