A fairly innocuous little word with a wealth of meaning behind it. I hear it a lot, and I’m guilty of saying it plenty myself. But what does it really mean? Is it just a word we use without thinking much about it — a habit we’ve added to our lists that is one of those words used unconsciously?
Recently it was pointed out to me that the word ‘Should’ means resentment, and when I stop to think about it, that makes sense.
I should do the dishes — I know at some point I have to but I don’t really want to. Or I should pay ‘X’ bill but that means I have to find the account, open up the computer and log on to my bank. Then there will be other things I need to look at there and I really can’t be bothered at the moment!
Sound familiar ? Another one — I should go for a walk, but I’ve got the dishes to do and the bills to pay and they are way more important than exercise. Oops it getting late now and I can’t go for a walk on my own in the dark etc, etc.
I’ve just realised that I haven’t done half the things I ‘should’ have done in the past five and half weeks whilst I wait to have my next CT scan. Then when I have that this week, I have to wait another week to find out the results and ultimately my fate.
I’ve noticed that lately I’m beginning to really resent all the things I should do whilst I hover in limbo waiting. Asking lots of question — mainly inside my head — will I just be put on a ‘watch and see’ treatment, or will I have to go off to have that chat with the surgeon. Meanwhile I’m making some attempt to be ‘good’ just in case the news isn’t favourable. And whilst I’m not exactly sitting around waiting for the verdict, I haven’t really been living my life the way I’d like to.
In short I’m feeling resentful and annoyed — but it does feel much better now that I’ve vented. Really I haven’t got a lot to complain about when everything is taken into account. I did make the decision several years ago — after Kelly’s death — that I wouldn’t go down the rabbit hole of guilt and blame. That I wouldn’t entertain any ideas about what I ‘should’ have done. It’s done and I can’t go back and change any of it now. It’s futile revisiting that time telling myself that the decisions I made with the knowledge I had should have been different.
I think I’ll just go and have another cup of coffee whilst I ponder where I’ve misplaced my crystal ball.