Editing & Perfection

Nothing in life is perfect.  Yet we  seem to be striving for perfection.  Some of us — like me, fall far from the mark.  But isn’t that what life is all about really?  I remember as a young girl when I was learning to sew and my mother would make me undo if it wasn’t to her standards, and do again.  Much to my disgust, as I had the attitude then that near enough is good enough;  and couldn’t see why I had to meet  her perfection.  Even now I have several crochet projects on the go that haven’t worked out the way I originally intended, so I’ve put them aside to finish later.   I often find that later I’m okay with undoing and starting again.

Yet I have an older brother who will try over and over again until he finds his perfection, but I lack the patience.  I want results more quickly.

This morning I read a post on Facebook that struck a chord; it was speaking of making mistakes and it was related  to  crocheting a blanket.  It  said that the mistakes may not be evident to others, but she knows they are there and how often  it is like life.  We all make mistakes and sometimes we wish we could change or undo them, but that is not what life is about.  This is where we learn and grow.

But it got me thinking about life and how we approach it. We all make mistakes, errors of judgement and sometimes cringe about them, wishing to expunge them from our lives.  But we cannot go back and change them.  It’s rather like taking the minutes of a meeting, and later thinking that perhaps that wasn’t what was said, then wanting to change it — once the minutes are written, they cannot be undone and any changes must be made by consensus at the next meeting.  So with our lives — there has to be either acceptance or apology for us to move on.

There are parts of my life that I wish I could go back and edit — but sadly I can’t.  If I could do that then Kelly would be here  and life would be so vastly different.  As they say  hindsight is a wonderful thing.

“You can’t edit life — but you can create a new draft.”  cjh

#copingsuicide  #BlackLivesMatter #thoughtleader

Significant Life Events.

There are many significant events throughout our lives and some repeat annually.  Like birthdays for instance.  I’ve just celebrated one of those and it was great — mostly.  Of course there comes a time in your life where you simply mark the occasion as that actual number of years are probably best not talked about.

I love birthdays — they are a great excuse to do exactly what you want to do.  I eat and drink whatever I like with no thoughts of health and wellbeing — and without any guilt.  After all it is only one day in the year —  I can revert to my usual behaviours the next day.

Of course the actual birthday is usually prefaced with  reminders in the lead-up to the day.  I like to think that I’ve managed these significant life events — which also include days like Mother’s Day and Christmas —  reasonably well over the past few years.  For a period of time it was all about ‘managing’ them or getting through them, especially in the first few years after Kelly’s suicide.

The first year was obviously the worst as every ’special’ day was marked as a first — and there seemed to be many firsts that year.  As the years went by there didn’t seem to be as many tears compared to that difficult one.  So after nineteen years I have become a little complacent about these milestones.  I don’t dread them anymore, and I can usually manage to get through those days without floods of tears.  But every now and then tears will sneak through when you least expect them.

I was having a birthday lunch with my son and we were having a great discussion when suddenly out of nowhere my eyes began to slowly leak.  At first I couldn’t work out why and then it dawned on me that it was almost my birthday and that’s when I tend towards the emotional.  It’s  like I just have the realisation that Kelly isn’t here anymore — physically of course as she is always there in my mind.  Perhaps the brain tricks us for a while.

I recall going shopping with my good friend and my god-daughter, sometime after Kelly’s death and when I came home the day’s purchases were carefully hung on the doorknob.  I was sitting having a drink with Ross when it dawned on me that I’d put them there for Kelly to see and comment on. A similar experience occurred after my mother  died.   I had a rather tumultuous relationship with my mother but something happened and I immediately thought about telling mum — before I realised that she wasn’t there anymore.

So I’m allowing myself to be emotionally vulnerable on these days because I think I’ve earned that right.

#copingsuicide  #griefandloss  #BlackLivesMatter

 

 

 

Fixing

I like to fix things — perhaps it has something to do with my upbringing and not wanting to throw things away until I’ve at least attempted to fix or get someone to do it for me.

I’m guessing that I’m not the only one, particularly when it comes to dealing with people and situations. There are all sorts of names like counselling, crisis management and mediation for dealing with situations that can seem to have gotten out of hand.   Or maybe you like to just do it on your own and try to talk a problem out — which can work well if you’ve got a willing subject to work with.  Then again maybe you want to hold on to the theory that you are in the right and everyone else is wrong.  Might work — but probably not.

I met a  young man this week who was very interesting to talk to, and he asked  lots of questions about me,  my family, what I do now and so on.  It was actually rather refreshing to have someone truly interested in the people he meets.  Our discussion kept getting sidetracked until he asked me about my children.  I told him about my eldest two and he then asked about Kelly.

When I told him that she’d died by suicide almost twenty years ago he became very quiet.  Expressing his sympathy he began talking about one of the other young men who live in his house.  He said he is very shy and has hidden away so he doesn’t have to talk.  The young man is from a country town and a few months ago lost his brother to suicide.  His concern for a friend was genuine as also was the desire to help him.  He asked if I would lend a copy of my book for him to read as it may help.  I said certainly — however it may well be too soon.  He wants to fix him — to help him move forward.

Grief is a funny thing and everyone grieves differently.  There is no right or wrong way to do it — simply is the way it is for each of us.  Some people seem to move on to the next phase of their lives quickly, whilst others seem to hang on to their grief diligently.  And there is nothing wrong with either way although people often judge others by their own experiences.  I recall a few months after Kelly died I met a colleague in the street.  We chatted for a while and then he asked  “Aren’t you over it yet?”.  I was rather shocked and replied that I didn’t think I would ever get over it!

We all have some form of nurturing in us and part of that is to help others and make things better for them — smoothing the path — but not everyone needs help.  Some just need to be allowed to move forward at their own pace — not the one you set for them.

There is no ‘fixing’, rather just letting things follow their own course — but being there if and when they need you.

#copingsuicide  #thoughtleader  #BlackLivesMatter

Tipping Points & Stats

This week I had the pleasure of being interviewed by Ruth Hibburt from RJH Education Solutions who has written a book for teens called Do Make Mistakes.  The interview was focused on suicide, potential  signs and what we can do about it.  It was a fun twenty or so minutes and hopefully inspired some people to learn a bit more about the signs and actions to take.  I believe that we can all make a difference just by educating ourselves a little more so that we can take some action when faced with a situation that may not seem right.

What prompted the interview was an article Ruth had seen that said the suicide rate has risen by around 50% since Covid-19 arrived.  Plus there have been a spate of teens from one secondary school suiciding in the past few weeks.

So I searched for the article that suggested the major increase and could only find two printed in overseas papers, mentioning ‘Australian mental Health Experts’ but not naming them.  I did however find an article from the University of Sydney’s Brain and Mind Centre  saying that modelling suggested that the pandemic could contribute to a major surge of around 25% with an increase of up to 30% in young people aged between fifteen and twenty-five.  Not so good, but we needn’t get caught up in the Statistics  but rather focus on our efforts to reduce the numbers.

So what can we — everyday mums, dads and grandparents do about it?  I believe that if we are aware of some of the potential Tipping Points for suicide, then we may be able to prevent more of these.  We don’t need to have a medical degree or be a psychologist to make a difference because we may be able to spot signs before a health professional.  It stands to reason that if you live in close proximity and notice behavioural changes, then stepping in and getting help more quickly will make a difference.

The tipping points may be considered the “last straw” that may lead to someone who has previously only been considering suicide, to take action.  These are when an individual’s risk of suicide escalates due to the occurrence of some precipitating event or “tipping point”.  Some of these may include:

• death of a loved one — friend, relative or significant person
• death of a pet
• changes in family such as divorce, loss of job and financial hardship
• bullying or violence
• unexpected changes in life circumstances

The last one seems to be very relevant for the current times as we’ve all had some form of change in our life circumstances with the advent of the pandemic.  For younger people not being able to hang out with friends, being unable to do schoolwork in the usual manner could be a major upset.

So there are many resources available to us all, should we feel the need to get help.  Also we should never feel that we may be wasting someones time — because it may just save the life of someone you love.  Call your GP or Lifeline and ask the experts — they are only too happy to be of assistance.

My book has a list of support services, and you can find more by searching the internet for those local to you.  There are also resources on my website — http://www.christinejhoward.com.au.

#copingsuicide  #thoughtleader #blacklivesmatter