Time

On many an occasion in the past I have found myself bemoaning the fact that I didn’t have enough time to do all the things I wanted to. My list was long and growing daily despite managing to cross a fair number of items off regularly.

Sometimes I’d get really enthusiastic and go hell for leather and get a whole heap of things done, but then slip back into my comfort zone of not finishing projects. This has been a pattern all of my life — not just something new.

I do crochet— for fun, to achieve and because I like it. My family get new crochet beanies every winter — different colours, patterns and styles. It’s my way of stretching my brain with new patterns and showing love. I get enthused and print out patterns plus spend far too much time on Pinterest looking for ideas. Recently we had a new grandchild and I gained so much pleasure crocheting tiny garments for the forthcoming baby — now he is here and many of the items I made missed the mark. He was too small and then he was too big or just maybe they weren’t aesthetically pleasing. Who knows? But I had fun doing them and I continue to crochet when the mood strikes me.

But when I assess my works in progress there are always several items that aren’t finished. Either I get bored with them or I decide to try something new for a change. Every few months I get out the unfinished projects and make a concerted effort to finish them. And when I’m done it feels awesome. But then it happens all over again.

Mind, I could be doing this every evening when I’m watching television, but often I just can’t be bothered or the cat wants to sit on my knee. Such a good excuse.

Over the past eighteen months or so we have been in lockdowns of varying degrees. The current one has us unable to visit family or friends, which sucks big time but I understand why it has to be this way. I don’t have to like it, but if it means that friends and family don’t get sick with the virus then I’m very happy with that.

But lockdowns give us so much time to contemplate, to do stuff that needed doing when we couldn’t find the time. So I’ve cleaned and re-organised cupboards, loaded up the car with bags of stuff for the op-shop. I’ve cooked, cleaned, sewed, read books and watched shows I wouldn’t normally. But I didn’t write at all. Generally I’ve felt rather pleased with my achievements yet there is always more to do.

Time is a strange concept really. We complain that we don’t have enough of it, then we have too much time on our hands. Or we find ourselves running out of it. We think there is plenty of it and then find ourselves racing against it to get things finished. We really are a silly race sometimes.

Lockdowns have given me the gift of time and it is up to me to use it wisely or not. I’ve used it to contemplate my life and I’ve come to the conclusion that there have been occasional periods of depression — times when I have felt overwhelmed and unable to cope. Which is probably why I haven’t been writing. But once again time comes to the rescue and allows me to examine and move on. I’ve decided that it is probably a normal part of life and perhaps necessary for us to experience so that when the good times come we have a point of reference to rate our feelings.

Depression is not all bad — and I appreciate that there are varying degrees of it and those with severe depression suffer greatly. But the mild sort that comes to us all at times is possibly there for good reason.

I remember just after Kelly died and I was still extremely distressed, I decided to allow myself to have a few days experiencing it. Allowing myself to feel sad and sorry for myself — to wallow even, and then I would get on with my life.

So even now — twenty-one years later I have times when I feel really down, and that’s okay because I know it won’t last. Those times are there to remind me of how much I have to be grateful for and how blessed I was for the time I had her in my life.

Trusting

A lot of life relates to trust I believe. We trust until that is proven to be misplaced, then doubt creeps in and it becomes necessary to examine anything new with an eagle eye.

Sometimes systems fail, as they often do and yet we seem surprised when it happens. Having worked in the health system for many years, I trusted that should I have need of it, then that would be the place to go.

When Kelly began to become very erratic in her behaviour — unpredictable and vulnerable at the same time — I deemed it necessary to ask for help. But it quickly became evident that health care —especially in the field of mental health is not there for everyone. When Kelly admitted herself to the mental health centre she was treated with respect, as we were — from the staff to the psychiatrist.

Then when her erratic behaviour continued to escalate and I knew I couldn’t help her, I began calling the centre and asking what I should do. I would describe the behaviour to them and they gave me advice. Useless advice as it turned out. I guess I thought if I bothered them enough they might step in and help. But they didn’t.

The next time was vastly different; and although Kelly was treated with respect, her family was not. We were told that she was an adult and could make her own decisions. Three weeks after she was sent home again because ‘…there was nothing wrong with her…” she was dead. So the trust in the system was destroyed.

It was a brutally hard lesson to learn, and I guess I will always have regrets. But we don’t have to be powerless; we can take steps to help ourselves. When I wrote my book on coping with suicide I discovered that whilst it is not an easy path to travel, there are things we can do to prevent suicide. There are questions we can ask; steps to take that may help to avert a suicide. We may not always be successful but at least we will have done something.

#copingwithsuicide #mentalhealth

Treading Water

The restrictions have eased somewhat for those of us living in regional Victoria thank goodness. I temper my excitement at being able to go out for a coffee and sit down to a meal, because there are still many in Melbourne who are as yet unable to do this. But the number of infected cases are reducing so it surely won’t be very long before the Melburnians join us in a little more freedom.

We’ve had another three months of treading water, waiting for the day that we can put all this behind us and begin to live again apart from our bubble. And although there have been times when I have longed to be able to meet up with friends, overall the restrictions haven’t been too onerous. But I am grateful that I have a partner to talk to, where there are many who have been totally isolated with only phone calls, social media and television to keep them company.

Last week was National Suicide Prevention Week , which incorporated National Suicide Prevention Day, and we were subjected to lots of posts and articles on suicide awareness and prevention. But for those in stage four lockdown the easing — even slightly — may not be enough to eliminate their hardship. But I think that the lifeboat is in sight and there will be a bit more treading water until we gain the safety of that.

Sometimes the hardest part can be the last little bit and although many will manage to get there with ease, some will be left floundering despite the finish line being in sight. So that is where the rest of us get to play a role. We need to keep helping those who are struggling, even though it isn’t RU OK day or National Suicide Prevention Week anymore – it is still Suicide Prevention month. We can still be of help to those who need it.

So let’s just continue to be aware that there are many out there — probably more that we realise because so many more are working from home — who need help. Call someone you know who is still in lockdown — just for a chat and catch up as that may be all they need. Don’t be afraid to ask how they are coping.

Whilst it is all too easy to forget about others needs when we are isolated in our homes, sometimes making that phone call will help us just as much as the person we are calling. So give it a go and make your day as well as someone else’s.

#copingsuicide #blacklivesmatter #suicideprevention #alllivesmatter

Support

Today is designated as RU OK day — a day to check in on friends and family to make sure they are managing. It is particularly relevant in these times of isolation and lockdowns as many are struggling with their mental health.

My phone beeped first thing this morning with a text from a friend enquiring if I was okay, and if I needed any support she was there for me. Simple, concise and to the point, but I was left in no doubt that if I’d needed any help then a reply text would have gotten me a caring listening ear. It also mentioned that a problem shared is a problem solved — or at least halved.

There are many ways we can get help if the struggle begins to be too much and sometimes we are hesitant to ask for help, thinking that it is a sign of weakness, or that we may be a bother to someone. But I like to think as if the shoe was on the other foot. If one of your friends contacted you to say they were feeling overwhelmed and struggling with their day-to-day living then how would you respond? Would you brush them off because you were in the middle of something or would you drop what you’re doing and be there for them? If we can stop to think of it in these terms then there is no issue because we always want to help our friends.

Also we are rarely being asked to actually solve their problems, but rather to be a listening ear and sometimes all people need is simply that. Years ago I did a free online course called QPR — Question, Persuade and Refer. It was run by the Salvation Army and I found it very informative. It is still available and to access QPR suicide prevention training please head to: suicideprevention.salvos.org.au or call 0294663541. Then there is LivingWorks which also has a training program to help you recognise a potential suicide, and teaches how to respond.

Of course there is always Lifeline, Beyond Blue and there are many others out there who are only too willing to help. So If you think that someone you know may need help then there is an abundance of support available. However not all who may be considering suicide will ask for help directly; they may refer to it in such a way that it may seem they are not saying anything at all. So sometimes we need to just come out with the question — “Are you thinking about suicide?” It can be a very difficult question to ask but I’d rather look foolish for a short while and know that someone is okay, than to think it may be a possibility and then find yourself going to a funeral.

So whilst I think that initiatives such as RU OK day are great, they are publicised for only a short time. I believe we need to be on the lookout for the signs that people are not coping all year round.

#copingsuicide #blacklivesmatter #lifematters

Forecasting

In three days time we will be given the roadmap out of the current restrictions. Out Premier has announced this intention and it certainly is something to look forward to. Whilst we haven’t been too badly affected where I live, there are many in Melbourne who must be doing it very tough. So a future plan will be welcome — something to look forward to. Hope.

Yet in reality any plan of this kind can only be a projection — a possibility even. We are all familiar with the weather forecast, and how often that doesn’t live up to our expectations. So I can’t help but wonder if this plan will be like the weather prediction — promising a balmy sunny day yet delivering a cold blustery wet one.

We put a lot of faith in these predictions, hoping that they are accurate. But it is difficult to be a believer when we just have to look at what was predicted to happen with the virus in early March. And it was nothing like the actual occurrence.

Still when we stop and look back over the past few months there are positives to be taken from it all. We’ve learnt a lot about our resilience and have had to draw on strength that most of us didn’t know we had. We’ve seen instances of amazing kindness and caring for each other. We’ve seen some absolute stupidity as well, but that is always there too I’m sure. We’ve had to step off the merry-go-round that was life and learn to sit back and reassess.

Many people have lost jobs, businesses and livelihoods have failed and it probably will be a long hard road to come back from. Some might think that their problems are insurmountable and that they will never recover. Which brings to mind how we felt when Kelly died; that life was never going to be the same and we’d never see any form of normal again. But we as a human race are very adaptable. We only have to look at the aftermath of the bushfires and see the resilience and courage displayed by those who have lost everything.

So I believe that we will manage to come through this, to survive and eventually thrive. No, we won’t see the world as it was before but perhaps we can each do our bit to make it a better one.

#copingsuicide #blacklivesmatter #Covid-19

Progress

Progress happens whether we wish it or not. Yesterday when I was out for my walk and standing on the hill, I looked over the mushrooming new housing development below. I suppose it could be called change as well, but many see it as progress. Initially I found it a bit overwhelming — with all the extra traffic passing my home. But I’ve become accustomed to it over the past months.

I guess that seeing the cement works silos razed to the ground could be identified as both change and progress. But it sure seems more windy now that they’ve been removed from their sentury duty at the top of the hill. The practical brick veneer home next door was also demolished some months ago and now we are waiting to see what will be built there too. Will it be a house or two story units? What will happen to our privacy if there are high units next door ? It is probably a safe bet that it will be two story units, although at present they would be welcome as they’d block some of the wind from us. But as there are several newly built double storey units appearing up the street I suppose that is what will happen beside us too.

Progress comes at a cost — things that are dear and familiar to us often disappear and are replaced with what is seen as modern and therefore better than before. And we accept it reluctantly. Yet it is not just measured by buildings. We ourselves make progress in our lives and often without realising it. We take small steps yet when we look back those small steps collectively make up to big leaps.

I remember in the early years after Kelly died, when I was still miserable in my grief. I felt then that I would never be able to find joy in life again, that I’d always be a shadow of my former self. Yet now as I reminisce it is very evident that this is not the case. That I’ve managed somehow lot move with the times and get on with life and really it’s not that bad. And this progress is truly welcomed.

We’ve had so much change in our lives here in Victoria and life as we knew it in February is vastly different to the one we have in August. Yet despite the restriction and hardship these have caused, there is progress being made in the reducing numbers of daily new cases of Covid-19 — although the death toll is still too high.

I choose to be grateful for the enforced slow-down of life since the advent of Covid. When I look back I see that life was beginning to resemble that of a mouse on its treadmill — busy, busy, busy. So to not have to rush from appointments to more of the same is a relief. The changes that have come over the past few months are welcome as they have given me time to assess what I really want in my life.

Of course I do miss meeting my friends and family and being able to hug them, and there will always be time for them. But I’ve realised that happiness does not depend on the number of activities you can fit into one week. So I’m choosing quality over quantity from now on.

#copingsuicide #blacklivesmatter #progress

Change

John C Maxwell summed it up with his quote:

“Change is inevitable, growth is optional.”

There are also many other versions through people changing the original. Thats what we do and in a way it is our job. Change is happening constantly — take nature for instance — here the Roses are beginning to sprout new leaves and buds, the fruit trees are loaded with blossoms and many other plants are budding in preparation for Spring. The end of Winter is nearing and I’m looking forward to the warmer weather.

Our environment, circumstances and ourselves are always changing in some way — whether we like it or not. I remember when wearing a seatbelt in a car was made law; there were protests then too but now I can’t imagine getting into a car without putting my belt on. I’ve become accustomed to it and now it has become an automatic way of being. Just like many other facets of our lives, we are hyper-aware of new things but after time they become a part of us that we simply don’t notice.

When I was younger (much younger) it was expected that you’d get a job and stay in that for your entire working life. I’ve lost count of the number of jobs I’ve had over my working life and compared to some I didn’t have many. To get married was to plan to be with that person for the rest of your life — till death do us part etc. But that isn’t the case now, as marriages break up without any associated backlash from society which was the case a few decades ago. Change once again.

Over the past few short months we’ve all faced a barrage of changes in rapid succession with the advent of the global pandemic. We’ve had to learn to socially distance — although some don’t seem to have got that yet; washing our hands or using sanitiser frequently has become the norm, although why it took a pandemic for people to realise this I’m not sure. Then recently we’ve been asked — or required to wear a face mask when leaving our homes. Now that has taken some effort to become accustomed too, but we are learning. And yes some are up in arms about it, personally I can’t see what all the fuss is about. If I can do a little bit to protect myself and others then why not.

Many of the habits we’ve acquired over our lives would have been unthinkable a short time ago. I’ve had to accept a life without two of my children —one to suicide and the other to her choice. Yet life goes on and we become accustomed to the changes gradually, even if they seem unrealistic initially.

So yes, John C Maxwell was correct — change is inevitable — and I’d like to think that I have chosen the growth option.

#copingsuicide #blacklivesmatter #changeisinevitable

Emotions

We all have them. Sometimes they are the driving force, making us think that there is no alternative. They come in a huge variety and can be wonderful or truly horrible. I’ve been at the mercy of mine for the past couple of weeks — or if I’m being really honest — for the past month or so.

Last week was the twentieth anniversary of Kelly’s death. A time of the year where we are flooded with memories — both good and bad. We stop to remember the past when Kelly was alive and active in our family. Hindsight has us thinking that any time we spent with her was great, yet once again if we are honest then there were times — particularly in the last few months of her life that were very difficult.

Every year I seem to say the same thing when I realise that’s why I’ve been so emotional, it’s because her anniversary is approaching. Usually I don’t realise until the day is close, and it is always a relief to recognise the reason I get teary at the drop of a hat. Then I tell myself that it is okay to be this way because I have very good reason for it. I can’t control it but I can choose to go with the flow and accept.

It brings to mind those who are struggling at the moment because of the restrictions that have been placed on them due to Covid-19. People who are quarantined, stuck in their homes feeling powerless and out of control. Fighting to maintain some sort of order in their lives. The reality is that our lives are very different to they way they were in January and even February this year. And sadly there have been suicides as a result.

It can be very difficult to admit that you need help, and that may only be in the form of a conversation. Some people cannot ask, so if we all make some effort to keep in touch with family, friends and even colleagues in this time then we may make a difference. To show that someone cares enough. There is the catch cry that we are all in this together, and although it’s true, even if sometimes it seems a bit trite to say it.

Years ago I came to the realisation that as I was going to be emotional anyway when Kelly’s anniversary approached, then I may as well own it and accept it. So I’ve learnt to accept that from late June through July to that date in August there will be an excess of emotion. But I choose to accept it and allow it. Somehow since I did that, it is much easier to manage. I stopped berating myself for being a sook, and I seem to be able to return to my normal much quicker.

So get out your phone and pick a name from your contact list., Call them and whilst you may not ever know, it may be the call that saves their life.

#copingsuicide #blacklivesmatter #thoughtleader

Me, Myself and I

It has been an interesting week and rather sad with the rising daily number of active Covid-19 cases in my state. Now I’ve never been one to spout politics in general, but I do keep up with what is happening because regardless whether I agree with whatever is decided, it still relates to me.

With the increase of cases in Melbourne, certain areas have gone into lockdown and the government has made wearing a mask mandatory for these areas. As I understand it — this is to help prevent or at least reduce the spread of the virus. Yet we are now being subject to aggressive displays of anger that this has happened. People are upset that their rights are being violated by being asked to wear masks, and having to subject themselves to identity checks to ensure they aren’t travelling out of their area. I have rights too — to be safe when I go out.

Social media has been very active around this subject with people videoing themselves dissenting and crying foul because they are being asked to comply — with fines if they don’t. A few days ago I saw a post from a ‘friend’ with an article from the World Health Organisation stating that the use of masks has not been proven. Plus it advised not to comply. However that article was seven weeks old and there have been a number of studies since that show there are benefits to wearing masks. Now I don’t have an issue with wearing a mask as I worked in the operating theatre for years and it was what you did. I had no ill effects from wearing one for hours at a time, and certainly they weren’t the most comfortable thing to wear, but I’m sure most people would be upset if we hadn’t worn them in the operating theatre.

So I felt the need to gently correct the misinformation in the article from the WHO — and wow did I get hammered for daring to suggest that wearing masks has been proven to help reduce the spread. Told in no uncertain terms that I was entitled to my beliefs and that it was my choice, but also that masks are damaging. There were no references to back up this theory though, so silly me kept on going. Another person posted on the thread with her take on it all, and as she is an investigative journalist who studies all these claims I thought she made quite a convincing case. Not so for the sheep followers of the instigator of the post.

After many attempts by this journalist to justify her comments, I suggested to her that it would be like flogging a dead horse to get this person to change their mind. Next came the comment that she (the original poster) had two choices — to block the journalist or take her to court for harassment. Her followers then praised her and cited more incorrect information. (I wasn’t stupid enough to respond to these though.)

If — and at present it is a very big ‘if’ this is proven to be a hoax, then so be it. But where is the harm in actually wearing a mask? If I can potentially prevent spreading this ghastly virus, plus protect the little old lady at the supermarket that has no-one to do her shopping for her — then why not? It isn’t about you or me — it’s about all of us.

#copingsuicide #thoughtleader #blacklivesmatter

Busy

Have you ever met an old friend and in the course of the conversation you are asked what you’ve been doing lately? This has happened to me a few times over the past weeks and I usually answer that I’ve been busy. But then when I stop to think about what I’ve been busy with there isn’t much to say.

So what have I really been doing?

For me keeping busy is a great way to put off things that I know need doing but when I’m not sure exactly what I want to do — I avoid. A coping mechanism that I’ve used for a long time. Sometimes I can make what I’m doing a great reason for not attending to what I should.

I’ve gotten hooked on busyness at the expense of purpose. Sometimes it has been so difficult to get out of my own way and I’ve felt that it was too hard to start something new — that it was easier to keep on doing nothing much. Existing or simply going through the motions.

Much like after Kelly died — there was no excitement or challenge in doing more than I had to. But then last week I was asked a question — what do you really want to do? I didn’t even have to think much about it and answered immediately — I want to write my next book.

When we first went into isolation I was fired with enthusiasm to get my house in order — to tidy up and get rid of the things I no longer needed. And it went well for the first couple of months as I justified that whilst I was at home I might as well tackle some of those pesky tasks I’d been avoiding. Then I just sort of petered out, the well of enthusiasm ran dry and I reverted to the habit of avoidance. I hadn’t even finished working my way through the house.

Now, faced with the option of continuing as I had been or getting enthused about beginning something new and exciting — I chose the latter. I decided enough was enough and knuckled down to a new writing project. It feels great — I’m still getting everything done that needs to be done, but I’m also doing something that I want to do.

I’ve regained my motivation and my purpose.

#copingsuicide #thoughtleader #BlackLivesMatter #Purpose