Emotions

We all have them. Sometimes they are the driving force, making us think that there is no alternative. They come in a huge variety and can be wonderful or truly horrible. I’ve been at the mercy of mine for the past couple of weeks — or if I’m being really honest — for the past month or so.

Last week was the twentieth anniversary of Kelly’s death. A time of the year where we are flooded with memories — both good and bad. We stop to remember the past when Kelly was alive and active in our family. Hindsight has us thinking that any time we spent with her was great, yet once again if we are honest then there were times — particularly in the last few months of her life that were very difficult.

Every year I seem to say the same thing when I realise that’s why I’ve been so emotional, it’s because her anniversary is approaching. Usually I don’t realise until the day is close, and it is always a relief to recognise the reason I get teary at the drop of a hat. Then I tell myself that it is okay to be this way because I have very good reason for it. I can’t control it but I can choose to go with the flow and accept.

It brings to mind those who are struggling at the moment because of the restrictions that have been placed on them due to Covid-19. People who are quarantined, stuck in their homes feeling powerless and out of control. Fighting to maintain some sort of order in their lives. The reality is that our lives are very different to they way they were in January and even February this year. And sadly there have been suicides as a result.

It can be very difficult to admit that you need help, and that may only be in the form of a conversation. Some people cannot ask, so if we all make some effort to keep in touch with family, friends and even colleagues in this time then we may make a difference. To show that someone cares enough. There is the catch cry that we are all in this together, and although it’s true, even if sometimes it seems a bit trite to say it.

Years ago I came to the realisation that as I was going to be emotional anyway when Kelly’s anniversary approached, then I may as well own it and accept it. So I’ve learnt to accept that from late June through July to that date in August there will be an excess of emotion. But I choose to accept it and allow it. Somehow since I did that, it is much easier to manage. I stopped berating myself for being a sook, and I seem to be able to return to my normal much quicker.

So get out your phone and pick a name from your contact list., Call them and whilst you may not ever know, it may be the call that saves their life.

#copingsuicide #blacklivesmatter #thoughtleader

Significant Life Events.

There are many significant events throughout our lives and some repeat annually.  Like birthdays for instance.  I’ve just celebrated one of those and it was great — mostly.  Of course there comes a time in your life where you simply mark the occasion as that actual number of years are probably best not talked about.

I love birthdays — they are a great excuse to do exactly what you want to do.  I eat and drink whatever I like with no thoughts of health and wellbeing — and without any guilt.  After all it is only one day in the year —  I can revert to my usual behaviours the next day.

Of course the actual birthday is usually prefaced with  reminders in the lead-up to the day.  I like to think that I’ve managed these significant life events — which also include days like Mother’s Day and Christmas —  reasonably well over the past few years.  For a period of time it was all about ‘managing’ them or getting through them, especially in the first few years after Kelly’s suicide.

The first year was obviously the worst as every ’special’ day was marked as a first — and there seemed to be many firsts that year.  As the years went by there didn’t seem to be as many tears compared to that difficult one.  So after nineteen years I have become a little complacent about these milestones.  I don’t dread them anymore, and I can usually manage to get through those days without floods of tears.  But every now and then tears will sneak through when you least expect them.

I was having a birthday lunch with my son and we were having a great discussion when suddenly out of nowhere my eyes began to slowly leak.  At first I couldn’t work out why and then it dawned on me that it was almost my birthday and that’s when I tend towards the emotional.  It’s  like I just have the realisation that Kelly isn’t here anymore — physically of course as she is always there in my mind.  Perhaps the brain tricks us for a while.

I recall going shopping with my good friend and my god-daughter, sometime after Kelly’s death and when I came home the day’s purchases were carefully hung on the doorknob.  I was sitting having a drink with Ross when it dawned on me that I’d put them there for Kelly to see and comment on. A similar experience occurred after my mother  died.   I had a rather tumultuous relationship with my mother but something happened and I immediately thought about telling mum — before I realised that she wasn’t there anymore.

So I’m allowing myself to be emotionally vulnerable on these days because I think I’ve earned that right.

#copingsuicide  #griefandloss  #BlackLivesMatter