Face Value

The typical way we greet people is to ask ‘How are you?’. Then we move on to the next question and mostly we don’t truly register the answer to the first one. And even if you’re not feeling well the standard reply is often positive — despite you feeling like shit.

Only if there is something obviously different such as a haircut/ new glasses/ crutches or a moon boot will we genuinely make a deeper enquiry. Is this because we have been raised to be polite and ask that question, or is it simply a habit that we don’t realise we’ve gained?

Often the conversation lately will turn to Covid or lockdown; isolation and the like. We usually want to tell others what we’ve been doing, but not really how we are feeling. For some the isolation or lockdowns have taken a huge toll on mental health. And even though the topic is fairly prevalent in the media, we seem to be at a loss to know what to ask or say if there is doubt about a person’s mental health.

On the other hand a physical illness is something that we understand. If someone has their arm in a cast; is using crutches or a moon boot we then feel okay in asking what happened? Make a joke about it and maybe a few more questions before moving on to other things. Perhaps we are aware that someone has cancer and we genuinely want to know how they are managing.

But mental illness — and it is an illness just like any other ailment diagnosed by a doctor — is just as real. Yes we don’t seem to know what to say or what questions to ask. What help can we offer?

There often seems to be some sort of shame attached — a stigma that society has for mental illness. Yet until we can freely acknowledge that it is just like any other illness there will continue to be issues surrounding it. Often the person will conceal their illness from others and it may not be evident. So unless we are asking how they are and genuinely mean it, we may never know until it is too late. Perhaps we fear making things worse or just feel unqualified to be of help. But you’re unlikely to muck it up if you truly mean well.

Then there are those like Kelly, who obviously have some sort of problem. They do things that are not ‘normal’ and seem to be rather embarrassing at times. But because we have not been socialising very much the subtle signs can be easily missed.

We’ve all had times where we feel down and for me, sometimes I just need to allow it and then I can move on. It is normal to have those times. But when they extend to every day, and nothing you do seems to make any difference, then perhaps some help is needed.

There is an abundance of information on the net; so do some research about it and find out what to say and how to help. In my book I talk about some of the behavioural warning signs that can be a prelude to suicide. I also talk about some of the myths surrounding suicide and there are plenty of those. What to say and what not to say is important and you only need a little bit of knowledge to help someone struggling.

#copingsuicide #blacklivesmatter #alllivesmatter

Treading Water

The restrictions have eased somewhat for those of us living in regional Victoria thank goodness. I temper my excitement at being able to go out for a coffee and sit down to a meal, because there are still many in Melbourne who are as yet unable to do this. But the number of infected cases are reducing so it surely won’t be very long before the Melburnians join us in a little more freedom.

We’ve had another three months of treading water, waiting for the day that we can put all this behind us and begin to live again apart from our bubble. And although there have been times when I have longed to be able to meet up with friends, overall the restrictions haven’t been too onerous. But I am grateful that I have a partner to talk to, where there are many who have been totally isolated with only phone calls, social media and television to keep them company.

Last week was National Suicide Prevention Week , which incorporated National Suicide Prevention Day, and we were subjected to lots of posts and articles on suicide awareness and prevention. But for those in stage four lockdown the easing — even slightly — may not be enough to eliminate their hardship. But I think that the lifeboat is in sight and there will be a bit more treading water until we gain the safety of that.

Sometimes the hardest part can be the last little bit and although many will manage to get there with ease, some will be left floundering despite the finish line being in sight. So that is where the rest of us get to play a role. We need to keep helping those who are struggling, even though it isn’t RU OK day or National Suicide Prevention Week anymore – it is still Suicide Prevention month. We can still be of help to those who need it.

So let’s just continue to be aware that there are many out there — probably more that we realise because so many more are working from home — who need help. Call someone you know who is still in lockdown — just for a chat and catch up as that may be all they need. Don’t be afraid to ask how they are coping.

Whilst it is all too easy to forget about others needs when we are isolated in our homes, sometimes making that phone call will help us just as much as the person we are calling. So give it a go and make your day as well as someone else’s.

#copingsuicide #blacklivesmatter #suicideprevention #alllivesmatter

Support

Today is designated as RU OK day — a day to check in on friends and family to make sure they are managing. It is particularly relevant in these times of isolation and lockdowns as many are struggling with their mental health.

My phone beeped first thing this morning with a text from a friend enquiring if I was okay, and if I needed any support she was there for me. Simple, concise and to the point, but I was left in no doubt that if I’d needed any help then a reply text would have gotten me a caring listening ear. It also mentioned that a problem shared is a problem solved — or at least halved.

There are many ways we can get help if the struggle begins to be too much and sometimes we are hesitant to ask for help, thinking that it is a sign of weakness, or that we may be a bother to someone. But I like to think as if the shoe was on the other foot. If one of your friends contacted you to say they were feeling overwhelmed and struggling with their day-to-day living then how would you respond? Would you brush them off because you were in the middle of something or would you drop what you’re doing and be there for them? If we can stop to think of it in these terms then there is no issue because we always want to help our friends.

Also we are rarely being asked to actually solve their problems, but rather to be a listening ear and sometimes all people need is simply that. Years ago I did a free online course called QPR — Question, Persuade and Refer. It was run by the Salvation Army and I found it very informative. It is still available and to access QPR suicide prevention training please head to: suicideprevention.salvos.org.au or call 0294663541. Then there is LivingWorks which also has a training program to help you recognise a potential suicide, and teaches how to respond.

Of course there is always Lifeline, Beyond Blue and there are many others out there who are only too willing to help. So If you think that someone you know may need help then there is an abundance of support available. However not all who may be considering suicide will ask for help directly; they may refer to it in such a way that it may seem they are not saying anything at all. So sometimes we need to just come out with the question — “Are you thinking about suicide?” It can be a very difficult question to ask but I’d rather look foolish for a short while and know that someone is okay, than to think it may be a possibility and then find yourself going to a funeral.

So whilst I think that initiatives such as RU OK day are great, they are publicised for only a short time. I believe we need to be on the lookout for the signs that people are not coping all year round.

#copingsuicide #blacklivesmatter #lifematters

Busy

Have you ever met an old friend and in the course of the conversation you are asked what you’ve been doing lately? This has happened to me a few times over the past weeks and I usually answer that I’ve been busy. But then when I stop to think about what I’ve been busy with there isn’t much to say.

So what have I really been doing?

For me keeping busy is a great way to put off things that I know need doing but when I’m not sure exactly what I want to do — I avoid. A coping mechanism that I’ve used for a long time. Sometimes I can make what I’m doing a great reason for not attending to what I should.

I’ve gotten hooked on busyness at the expense of purpose. Sometimes it has been so difficult to get out of my own way and I’ve felt that it was too hard to start something new — that it was easier to keep on doing nothing much. Existing or simply going through the motions.

Much like after Kelly died — there was no excitement or challenge in doing more than I had to. But then last week I was asked a question — what do you really want to do? I didn’t even have to think much about it and answered immediately — I want to write my next book.

When we first went into isolation I was fired with enthusiasm to get my house in order — to tidy up and get rid of the things I no longer needed. And it went well for the first couple of months as I justified that whilst I was at home I might as well tackle some of those pesky tasks I’d been avoiding. Then I just sort of petered out, the well of enthusiasm ran dry and I reverted to the habit of avoidance. I hadn’t even finished working my way through the house.

Now, faced with the option of continuing as I had been or getting enthused about beginning something new and exciting — I chose the latter. I decided enough was enough and knuckled down to a new writing project. It feels great — I’m still getting everything done that needs to be done, but I’m also doing something that I want to do.

I’ve regained my motivation and my purpose.

#copingsuicide #thoughtleader #BlackLivesMatter #Purpose

Resilience

Many times in our lives we are called on to use our resilience to get us through challenging situations and for most of us the last few weeks have been just that — challenging.  Some of us have found a resilience that we never realised we had — we’ve learnt that within us is a capability to withstand even the most daunting challenges.

Now I’m guessing that most of us didn’t realise that when we were asked to isolate ourselves, that we would remain that way for weeks, months even.  I know I didn’t think it would last this long, and it’s still looking like being a part of our lives for quite some time yet.

So it started off as a bit of a game for me.  Enforced home stay, minimal contact with others and only my phone and computer to connect.  Every day we would turn on the television late morning to check the latest updates on the virus situation.  Sometimes the viewing would extend to another couple of programs, but mostly we only watched the latest press conferences for information.  But after a couple of weeks we didn’t bother.

I called friends and family on a fairly regular basis and had long chats which was great — well I didn’t have anywhere else to go and neither did they.  Looking on the isolation as a bonus the house sorting began.  I worked my way through cupboards and drawers re-organising and setting things aside to chuck or send to the op-shops — when they open again.

I’d been fortunate to visit the library just before they shut down and had a stack of books to read, however with the extra time they didn’t last too long and are still in the bag waiting to be returned when they are accepting returns — hopefully in a week or so I will be able to get rid of that bag too.  In the meantime I’m reading some of those books I just hadn’t gotten around to before.

I found projects half done and have successfully completed a few of those — such a great feeling when I do.  Then I tackled the shed — a mammoth task that is still on-going but looking so much better than before.

We quickly learned to navigate zoom meetings and resumed the weekly coffee catch-up, chatting for the hour or so which made life seem more normal.  But what is normal now?  Will we ever return to the way of life that we knew in February?  How will our lives look once we are permitted to resume the basics such as going to the gym, meeting up for lunch?  Of course many have adjusted to working from home and some will continue to do so, but others will be heading back to the office.  Children returning to schools signals some sort of ‘normality’ returning.

But all of this talk of returning to ‘normal’ has me remembering how life changed forever when Kelly died.   One day all was well — the next it was utter chaos and grief.  Adjustments were made out of necessity and our lives would never be the same again.  But the resilience that must be born in us — came to the forefront and we managed.  Just like with Covid-19 — we learn to develop new habits and ways of operating.   Some of these we will keep, and others — well they probably won’t endure.

What new habits have you acquired during isolation — and which ones will you keep?

#copingsuicide #thoughtleader