Face Value

The typical way we greet people is to ask ‘How are you?’. Then we move on to the next question and mostly we don’t truly register the answer to the first one. And even if you’re not feeling well the standard reply is often positive — despite you feeling like shit.

Only if there is something obviously different such as a haircut/ new glasses/ crutches or a moon boot will we genuinely make a deeper enquiry. Is this because we have been raised to be polite and ask that question, or is it simply a habit that we don’t realise we’ve gained?

Often the conversation lately will turn to Covid or lockdown; isolation and the like. We usually want to tell others what we’ve been doing, but not really how we are feeling. For some the isolation or lockdowns have taken a huge toll on mental health. And even though the topic is fairly prevalent in the media, we seem to be at a loss to know what to ask or say if there is doubt about a person’s mental health.

On the other hand a physical illness is something that we understand. If someone has their arm in a cast; is using crutches or a moon boot we then feel okay in asking what happened? Make a joke about it and maybe a few more questions before moving on to other things. Perhaps we are aware that someone has cancer and we genuinely want to know how they are managing.

But mental illness — and it is an illness just like any other ailment diagnosed by a doctor — is just as real. Yes we don’t seem to know what to say or what questions to ask. What help can we offer?

There often seems to be some sort of shame attached — a stigma that society has for mental illness. Yet until we can freely acknowledge that it is just like any other illness there will continue to be issues surrounding it. Often the person will conceal their illness from others and it may not be evident. So unless we are asking how they are and genuinely mean it, we may never know until it is too late. Perhaps we fear making things worse or just feel unqualified to be of help. But you’re unlikely to muck it up if you truly mean well.

Then there are those like Kelly, who obviously have some sort of problem. They do things that are not ‘normal’ and seem to be rather embarrassing at times. But because we have not been socialising very much the subtle signs can be easily missed.

We’ve all had times where we feel down and for me, sometimes I just need to allow it and then I can move on. It is normal to have those times. But when they extend to every day, and nothing you do seems to make any difference, then perhaps some help is needed.

There is an abundance of information on the net; so do some research about it and find out what to say and how to help. In my book I talk about some of the behavioural warning signs that can be a prelude to suicide. I also talk about some of the myths surrounding suicide and there are plenty of those. What to say and what not to say is important and you only need a little bit of knowledge to help someone struggling.

#copingsuicide #blacklivesmatter #alllivesmatter

Pride and Shame

I think most of us are prideful at some stage in our lives. You may not think it applies to you but there will be an element of pride in your makeup — it is inherently human. Some people wear their pride openly but most keep it dampened down.

Recently Ross went to a mens gathering as he has been doing for quite some time — Covid permitting. It was back again as our restrictions have eased somewhat. One of the men there had a quiet conversation with him about another man in the group. He told Ross about the hardship suffered when a building society had gone belly-up and the man lost all of his savings. Then he worked until he was eighty.

All of these men belong to a service group which is slowly dwindling in numbers. And apparently the gentleman has had to resign his membership due to a lack of funds as he is now a pensioner. However he has been too proud to say— and probably shamed that he cannot afford the fees any longer due to his financial circumstances.

Ross and I talked about this and we concluded that there are probably a lot more people in similar circumstances that we don’t realise. Plus with the recent temporary business closures because of the virus, many are losing their jobs and businesses going under. Most likely the jobless will increase a lot more in number over the coming months as many businesses are unable to continue operating. In fact we don’t really know what is going to happen tomorrow.

We’ve seen long queues at the unemployment centres and people being interviewed who say they have never had to register for unemployment before. So the pride of many will have taken a beating, and possibly be accompanied by the shame of it all in not being able to provide for their families. But many families will suffer silently, keeping their circumstances hidden as much as possible. Until they are forced to sell their homes because they can’t pay the mortgage.

For some reason that I don’t understand, we seem to look up to people of wealth, as if that makes them better people. But where is it written that money equals worth? I’ve seen some very wealthy people behaving extremely poorly, so I can’t equate money with worth myself.

So over the coming months we will likely see more hardship and suffering due to reduced circumstances. I’ve been in that position a time or two in my life and it is certainly no picnic. It can be very frightening and demoralising. And sadly some will see that as failure — even though it is no fault of their own. There will be those who see that suicide is the only option available to them.

So this is where we need to be more vigilant in our observations of friends and family, looking out for those who are struggling financially or even just with life. Sometimes a person may simply need a good listener — as my mother used to say ‘A problem shared is a problem halved.’ Watch out for those who are not making noises about how tough things are when you may know they have lost their job.

This is where we as a community can make a difference and possibly save a life and a family from heartache. Lets do our bit for friends and family.

#copingsuicide #BlackLivesMatter #AllLivesMatter